Managing Public Speaking Anxiety (and spontaneous speaking scaries!)
If you have anxiety when speaking in public, read on for tips to manage palpitations and self-doubt so you can trust your voice, even when it shakes.
Raise your hand if the thought of speaking in public makes your heart beat out of your chest.
Phew, I’m so glad I’m not alone! 💁🏼♂️
Most of us struggle with speaking nerves and we’re not talking about.
We’re ashamed that we struggle speaking (it’s natural for everyone else! what’s wrong with me?) so we don’t talk about it. We’re suffering in silence.
We believe we’re not good at it and that we have to work harder at it, so we over-think, over-work, and over-prepare, all cycles that fuel self-doubt and prevent us from truly trusting ourselves.
And then oppressive workplaces and social spaces tell us that we’re not good communicators, which reinforces the cycle.
Sound familiar?
Yeah, me too.
The importance of feeling seen, safe, and supported when speaking
Last month, I gave a TEDx talk at SUNY Cortland about how we have to feel seen, safe, and supported to show up and speak up as ourselves. I talked about how far too many people are silenced by internalized anxiety and systemic oppression and how we can use comfort to be powerfully present in our interactions instead of trying to project confidence or “executive presence” (you can watch the TEDx talk here):
I always got palpitations when talking, and I’m not just talking about being scared of public speaking, I’m talking about fear speaking casually, like raising my hand to ask a question at a conference or share an idea in a meeting (and socializing, and being interviewed in any way, and being put on the spot to share my favorite whatever… you too?).
So when I was preparing for the TEDx talk, I was expecting palpitations. I was prepared for them. (I have so many tools and I used every single one of them). I was shocked and surprised when I got up on stage and had no nerves.
For the first time in my life, I was speaking in public without palpitations. I was fully present and aligned, able to be with my audience, something that is always a Northstar, but usually a struggle.
It is my life‘s work to help people be present and powerful, when speaking, so that they can communicate with more comfort and be themselves. I am grateful to have so many tools, and that they have been so effective and familiar to me. I know what a privilege that is.
But the tools I used are simple. They work (and have worked for thousands of others I’ve supported). So today, I want to share the main things I did in preparing for the TEDx talk, in hopes that it helps some of you manage the shakiness, the self-doubt, and the public speaking panic.
An outside eye is key
When I’m supporting my clients, I always say, “I’m not an expert, I’m just not inside the detail of your work and life like you are so I can see outside of it.”
I asked a few people to be my outside eye and help me see what I was not seeing. I’m so inside my work and my life (with such a limited perspective as a white person) and I wanted to make sure the narrative was supporting as many voices as possible.
I hired my friend, brilliant Christina Blacken, founder of The New Quo, who specializes in Narrative Intelligence and helped me streamline and focus the arc of the story (in fact, the narrative was completely different before I worked with Christina!). Christina has a special ability to pull out themes and narratives that impact our collective humanity and I’m grateful for her perspective and expertise!
I ran the talk for Daryl Watson, healer, writer, and dear friend, who gave me the courage to put more of myself in the talk and helped me reorder the story. And to my life partner, Tim, who heard the talk a thousand times and helped me feel seen, safe, and so I’m so grateful!
Focus (and refocus) on the audience instead of yourself
What are you focusing on when speaking in public? Are you able to access your own train of thought or are you distracted by the perception of others?
It is natural to center ourselves when speaking in public. This happens because most of us have a clearly defined function when we are doing the work itself. In my daily work, I know exactly what I am there to do and who I am there to serve. When I speak in public, or talk about the work instead of doing it, I lose that subconscious specificity.
Without that specificity, I fall into the validation void of trying to prove myself, which becomes a subconscious underlying intention. To feel more powerful, I have to replace it with a conscious intention that centers the audience.
I like to choose something that makes me feel powerful, something I feel capable of doing. For the TEDx talk, I focused on helping the audience feel safe seen and supported, which was exactly what the talk was about. For a team training I did in the pharmaceutical industry last month, I focused on helping everyone in the room feel capable and confident in there I need ability to have challenging conversations.
We will often default back to centering ourselves, and when we do, we can refocus on the audience. This is how I maintained my focus before during and after the TEDx talk.
Take up space with your voice and body
I was privileged to have such a restful day leading up to the talk. I arrived in Binghamton the night before, had dinner with a client, and stayed with friends. When I woke up that morning I had the entire day to relax. I spent the day doing breathwork to regulate my nervous system and taking up physical and vocal space.
This regulates my nervous system by focusing my attention in the present moment, getting me out of my head, and activating my vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is the largest nerve in our body and is responsible for the exact functions we need when speaking in public. Digestion. Circulation. Relaxation. Breath. Strategic thinking. Communication. Comfort. Ease.
After suffering from panic attacks for decades and having breath-based anxiety that made it impossible to be comfortable, I’ve gotten so familiar and at home with breath that I now choose to live in my breath instead of my head. I do Ujjai Pranayama (translates from Sanskrit into ocean-sounding breath) and focus on the sound of my breath to drown out the sound of my racing thoughts!
The new thing for this talk was that I did the physiological sigh. This technique is proven to regulate the nervous system by expelling as much CO2 as possible. I also did this backstage before the talk which helped me center my attention and get rid of excess energy.
During the talk itself, I made the conscious choice to root my feet strong like tree trunks on the rug at the middle of the stage. My anxiety tells me to pace and fidget, but I know that the way to activate the vagus nerve is to get heavy, sturdy, and stable.
Getting it out of your brain and into your bones
Far too often with previously prepared material, we become deferential to that preparation in the moment of public speaking. This automatically takes away our authority and makes us doubt ourselves.
When I am speaking spontaneously, I am very against scripting. I always have scaffolding instead, a collection of high-level points that helps me track the arc of my narrative instead of getting me stuck in the details of the ideas.
The only time I recommend scripting is if you will not be interrupted like a formal talk on a stage or if you were giving a speech at a wedding. It is also totally appropriate to use notes or cards in any setting (and don’t let people tell you not to!). Own your notes!
For the TEDx talk, I did choose to script. I had a month to prepare and expected significant speaking anxiety, so I wanted to have the ideas be fully in my body and not in my brain.
When we are in our heads, triggered by anxiety or analytical thought, we have a tendency to think deeply. This differs for different people of course, some people say that it feels like they get stuck in the details. Others feel like they can't think straight. For me, it's like my attention is splintered and I am half deep in thought and half over perceiving how I am being perceived.
In the weeks leading up to the talk and I talked through the speech many times. But I never did it standing still as if I was in front of a crowd. Instead, I did it when hiking. I did it walking all around my city. I did it for friends. I contained the practice to when I was moving my body because I know that that is the best way to ingrained the ideas in an embodied way.
My preparation - told you I used all my tools! Including a reminder to eat because… public speaking nerves!