Why Does Trying Harder Make My Speaking Anxiety Worse? (And What Actually Helps)
You've been working on your speaking anxiety.
You read the books. You practice your presentations obsessively. You script everything. You rehearse in front of the mirror. You watch TED talks about confidence.
But instead of getting better, it's getting worse.
The more you prepare, the more anxious you feel. The harder you work on it, the more unpredictable your performance becomes.
And you're starting to wonder: "Why isn't this working? What am I doing wrong?"
Here's the truth that most communication training won't tell you: Trying harder is what's perpetuating the problem.
Let me show you why—and what actually helps.
The Paradox: Why Working Harder Makes It Worse
This feels counterintuitive.
We're taught that effort equals results. If something isn't working, you just need to try harder, practice more, prepare better.
But with speaking anxiety, the opposite is true.
The more effort you put into "fixing" yourself, the stronger the anxiety becomes.
Here's why: You're caught in three self-reinforcing cycles. And every time you try harder to break free, you actually strengthen them.
Let me break down each cycle—so you can see why your current approach isn't working, and what will.
Cycle 1: The Preparation Cycle (Why Over-Preparing Perpetuates the Problem)
When you have speaking anxiety, your instinct is to prepare more.
If you felt unprepared last time, you'll prepare even more this time. If something went wrong, you'll script everything to control every possible outcome.
Here's what the cycle looks like:
You have an upcoming presentation ↓
You feel anxious about it ↓
You try to control the anxiety by over-preparing ↓
You spend days scripting and rehearsing ↓
The moment arrives and something goes off-script ↓
Your prepared script becomes useless ↓
You struggle to access what you know spontaneously ↓
You blame yourself for not preparing enough ↓
Next time, you prepare even more ↓
The anxiety gets worse
This cycle is self-reinforcing. And the harder you try to break it through more preparation, the stronger it becomes.
Why This Happens: The Self-Abandonment Trap
When you script everything word-for-word, you're sending a message to your brain:
"I can't trust myself to speak spontaneously."
Every time you rehearse obsessively, you strengthen the belief that your natural voice isn't enough.
Then when you're put on the spot (without your script), you have nothing to fall back on. You've never practiced trusting what you know in the moment.
Over-preparation isn't thoroughness. It's self-abandonment.
You're trying to replace yourself with a script. You're treating your natural voice like a problem to be fixed rather than a resource to be accessed.
This is exhausting. And it doesn't work.
Why Trying Harder Makes Confidence More Fragile
When you memorize exactly what you'll say, your confidence is brittle. It depends entirely on things going according to plan.
But things never go exactly according to plan:
Someone asks a question you didn't anticipate
The conversation goes in an unexpected direction
You lose your train of thought
The meeting format changes
You get interrupted
When your preparation is rigid, any deviation feels like failure.
So you try to prepare for MORE scenarios. You anticipate MORE questions. You script MORE responses.
But the more you prepare, the more fragile your confidence becomes. Because you're building it on control, not trust.
Cycle 2: The Performance Cycle (Why Fighting Your Nervous System Backfires)
Here's what happens when you try to force confidence you don't feel:
The moment arrives ↓
Your nervous system activates (heart racing, shortness of breath) ↓
You tell yourself "just be confident" or "calm down" ↓
Your symptoms get worse (you can't think your way out of body activation) ↓
You push through, performing confidence ↓
You're exhausted from monitoring yourself ↓
Your mind goes blank or you lose your train of thought ↓
You blame yourself for "not being confident enough" ↓
Next time, you try even harder to force confidence ↓
The anxiety strengthens
Why This Happens: You Can't Think Your Way Out of Body Activation
When your nervous system is activated (fight-or-flight mode), telling yourself to be confident is like telling yourself to relax when you're already panicking.
It doesn't work because the nervous system is in control, not your rational mind.
Trying harder to "be confident" actually makes your body more activated. Here's why:
When you force yourself to speak while your body is screaming "danger," you're creating internal conflict. Your nervous system interprets this as: "We're in danger AND we're not being listened to. This must be REALLY dangerous."
So it amplifies the response. More heart racing. More breathlessness. More brain fog.
The harder you fight it, the stronger it gets.
Why Performing Confidence Is Exhausting
When you perform confidence you don't feel, you're splitting your attention:
50% on your message
50% on monitoring: "Do I look confident? Do I sound confident? Can they tell I'm nervous?"
This split attention is what causes:
Your mind to go blank
Your train of thought to disappear
Your expertise to feel inaccessible
You're using the exact mental resources you need for clear thinking on self-monitoring instead.
The more you try to look confident, the less mental space you have to be competent.
Cycle 3: The Identity Cycle (Why "Fixing Yourself" Strengthens the Problem)
This is the deepest cycle—and the one that keeps you stuck the longest.
You struggle with speaking anxiety ↓
You believe something is wrong with you ↓
You work hard to "fix" the problem (books, courses, practice) ↓
The anxiety persists or gets worse ↓
You interpret this as evidence you need to work harder ↓
You double down on "self-improvement" ↓
Each failure reinforces: "Something really IS wrong with me" ↓
The shame deepens ↓
The anxiety strengthens
Why This Happens: The Message You're Sending Yourself
Every time you try to fix your speaking anxiety, you reinforce the belief that your voice is broken.
Every book you read about confidence implies: "You're not confident enough."
Every practice session in front of the mirror says: "Your natural presence isn't acceptable."
Every script you memorize whispers: "You can't be trusted to speak spontaneously."
The very act of trying harder to fix the problem becomes evidence that there IS a problem.
And this is what strengthens the anxiety more than anything else.
Why Shame Makes It Worse
When you hide how much you're struggling, when you feel alone in this, when you think everyone else seems fine—that shame creates secrecy.
And secrecy prevents you from:
Getting real support
Seeing that this is common
Understanding the systemic forces at play
Breaking the cycle
The hiding becomes the worst part. And it keeps you working harder in isolation, which keeps you stuck.
What Actually Helps: Breaking the Cycles
So if trying harder makes it worse, what actually helps?
Not working less. But working differently.
Instead of trying harder to prepare more, control more, fix yourself more—you address each cycle at its root:
Breaking Cycle 1: Structure Instead of Scripts
Stop preparing: What to say (scripts that make you dependent on memorization)
Start preparing: How to organize thinking (frameworks you can adapt in the moment)
This means:
Identifying your main point (not scripting every word)
Clarifying your unique expertise (not trying to have all the answers)
Practicing organizing on the fly (not rehearsing for hours)
When you prepare structure instead of scripts, you build flexible confidence. You can handle the unexpected because you're not dependent on things going exactly as planned.
Breaking Cycle 2: Regulation Instead of Performance
Stop fighting: Your nervous system (telling yourself to calm down, forcing confidence)
Start working with: Your body (regulation techniques that signal safety)
This means:
Anchoring in physical sensation before speaking (feet on ground, back on chair)
Getting out of your head and into your body (where regulation happens)
Breathing intentionally (oxygenating your voice instead of holding your breath)
When you regulate instead of perform, your nervous system calms naturally. You don't have to split your attention between message and monitoring. Your focus consolidates.
Breaking Cycle 3: Trust Instead of Fixing
Stop treating: Your voice as a problem to be fixed
Start building: Capacity to trust what you already know
This means:
Recognizing this is systemic (hierarchical power dynamics), not personal
Practicing in low-stakes environments (before high-stakes moments)
Building evidence through repetition: "I can handle the unexpected"
When you shift from fixing to trusting, you stop reinforcing that something is wrong with you. The shame decreases. The anxiety loosens its grip.
The Real Shift: From Trying Harder to Working Differently
Here's what changes when you stop trying harder:
Instead of preparing for days → You prepare for 15 minutes with structure
Result: You feel ready without being exhausted. When something goes off-script, you can adapt.
Instead of forcing confidence → You regulate your nervous system
Result: Your body calms naturally. You can think clearly because your attention isn't splintered.
Instead of fixing yourself → You build trust in yourself
Result: The shame decreases. You discover you're capable even in imperfect moments.
This isn't about lowering your standards. It's about approaching the problem from the right angle.
Trying harder keeps you stuck because it treats the symptom, not the cause.
Working differently addresses the root: fragmented attention, activated nervous system, lack of self-trust.
Does your voice disappear in certain rooms?
Take this free quiz to discover your confidence pattern and get personalized tools to consolidate your focus.
Take the 2-Minute AssessmentAbout Lee Bonvissuto
I help empathetic mid-career leaders express themselves everywhere—even in rooms where their voice usually disappears. I've spent 10+ years developing tools to address speaking anxiety with senior leaders, working with professionals at top companies who are brilliant at their work but lose their voice in high-stakes moments.
The work isn't about fixing you. It's about accessing who you already are—consistently, even under pressure.
