A Formula for Feedback: What not to say to someone who struggles with speaking

When you’re giving feedback, do you worry about “saying the wrong thing”?

Have you gotten feedback that distracts you in the present moment? Thinking about “am I being clear?” Or “do I sound confident?” instead of focusing on your own perspective?

Feedback can be destructive and damaging to our presence, even when well-intentioned.

When we get feedback that criticizes our communication, it can reduce our ability to trust ourselves (especially if we’re already struggling with speaking).

If you hold privilege or power in the situation, it’s even more important that you prioritize their confidence when giving feedback.

When people struggle with speaking (or attention or trauma or prejudice or neurodiversity), you may not know why they’re reacting that way (especially if you don’t share their lives experience).

🎇 Instead of critiquing their communication (“you need more confidence” or “you speak slowly”), focus on the impact of their behavior (“I’m confused by how to move forward because you haven’t given me clear updates”).

🌄 Instead of focusing on what you’ll say to them, make it a conversation and ask lots of questions to understand why the behavior is happening. Questions like, “What support do you need to do your best work?” “What kind of feedback makes you feel confident?” “What’s getting in the way of you feeling more productive?” Let them articulate what’s challenging them in their own words.

🌠 Follow up with actionable ways for them to implement the feedback (new systems, tools, and opportunities for coaching). They need to feel supported and not criticized or judged so lead with an intention to help them feel heard.

Here is my formula for giving feedback with more compassion and clarity:

(Benefit of the doubt) “I know you’re working on so many projects”

(Statement of fact) “When I don’t know what you’re working on, I struggle with knowing how to move forward”

 (Invitation) “What is getting in the way of you updating me with more consistency and clarity?”

Instead of focusing on what you’ll say to them, make it a conversation and ask lots of questions to understand why the behavior is happening. Questions like, “What support do you need to do your best work?” “What kind of feedback makes you feel confident?” “What’s getting in the way of you feeling more productive?” Let them articulate what’s challenging them in their own words.

In my upcoming course, Trust Your Voice, I share my framework for feedback and for cultivating more comfort in challenging conversations - sign up at www.presentvoices.com/course for updates (and a special discount when we go live!)