Unconscious Filler: How to stop vilifying UM and use it consciously instead

Want to know the fastest way to improve confidence when speaking?

No, it’s not to find the perfect right words, or craft a comprehensive response or think quickly on your feet.

Replacing your unconscious UM with a pause or breath is the fastest way to shift your hormonal and perceived confidence.

The unconscious UM is taking the place where your pause should be. UM is useful when used purposefully. It signals you're thinking (and it's good to show you're thinking - you're smart!)

Maybe you can’t even hear the UMs. So many people come to see me, using this sound subconsciously nearly every other word, and they can’t even hear it.

It signals that you're in deep thought if you can't hear it and it's not conscious. And we should not be going into deep thought on our feet (most of the time). We want to be accessing ideas we already know.

I don’t vilify any behaviors. Especially not ones that we all do all the time. We’re socialized to fill the silence. Especially in certain spaces!

But it's important that we see it - because unconscious filler leads to unconscious thinking leads to unconscious anxiety if you're me.

UM is only problematic when it’s unconscious. It's also an opportunity to get super present.

When I say UM, my eyes go up unconsciously. I’m almost always holding my breath. This shoots me into deep thought (the same part of our brain that controls eye contact controls deep breathing).

Worse, it signals urgency. It’s like signaling to your audience, “I’ll be right there”. It doesn’t give us an opportunity to refuel and take a deep generative breath.

UM isn’t for us. It’s for them. Used consciously, UM can be powerful.

And why are we speaking so fast anyway? Why aren't we letting ourselves think? Smart people think! UM feeds analytical, anxious thinking (if you're me). A conscious pause grounds me and helps me think from my gut.

The first step of harnessing UMs is recognizing why they happen. Are you avoiding silence? Are you signaling to your audience that you’re thinking? Are they contagious because you’re around others who UM? See the function they serve—then you’ll be able to replace them with silence.

The next step is just to hear them. Instead of beating yourself up for hearing them, have an UM party. Celebrate hearing them! Hearing them is the first step to starting to replace them with a pause.

Finally, work in conscious speed bumps. The UM is where your pause wants to be. When you want to look up and say UM, look down and breathe instead. These micro-pauses create space to think and move forward with more intention.

In the beginning, you may only “catch” the UM after the fact. That’s natural! We’re building the tool with the habit in mind. So a reminder to not beat yourself up (because that makes it harder to shift habitual patterns!)

You can do anything you want to do as long as you’re doing it consciously (including using filler!).