What does it mean to be non-binary?
I’ve always been a non-dualist.
Communication Coach Lee Bonvissuto
Non-dualism is a Buddhist idea that we are exactly who we need to be. We are exactly where we need to be.
There’s no imaginary plateau where we will be “better”. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. There’s no enlightenment—there’s only presence.
It’s been central to my ability to be present (and the answer to my anxiety is always in the present moment).
I spent most of my life trying to be someone I’m not. Trying to contort myself to fit into a gender binary I just couldn’t see myself in. I didn’t know who I was because I didn’t fit in to the box society put me in.
I now know that I’m non-binary, gender nonconforming—genderqueer to be exact—and it’s thrilling to finally have words to describe who I am and who I’ve always been.
These words have helped me know myself. The first time I heard about being gender nonconforming I felt my mind expand. It was like everything I had been fighting against my whole life made sense. I never felt feminine or identified with womanhood. For me, being gender nonconforming is just that. I don’t identify with either end of the gender binary, but all of it.
Language freed me. It gave me validation. It helped me love myself and see myself and be myself.
Being non-binary completely aligns with how I’ve always lived my life.
Some people who are non-binary feel fluid in their gender identity. They may feel more feminine sometimes and more masculine other times. For me, I’m always myself, singular, non-binary. I don’t identify with being a woman or a man.
It’s non-dualism incarnate.
For me, being genderqueer is about identifying with all genders. I am myself and that cannot be contained or constricted by an arbitrary descriptor of gender.
I am very much still learning. I misgender others (and even myself) all the time! It’s a practice, even for me. As with everything I do, presence is the point. My hope is that we will all become more conscious about gender—in our assumptions and in our communication—so we all feel more seen and heard. And yes, I still wear a lot of pink!
This realization shocked me. It has also brought me immense, endless joy.
Maybe it was seeing myself on Zoom for twelve hours a day. Maybe it was cutting and dyeing my own hair.
Maybe it was finally sitting still for the first time in years instead of running everywhere all the time. I could sit back into myself (and my big pink chair). Maybe it was wearing comfy clothes nonstop. I dropped layers of unconscious effort—I feel lighter!
It was certainly driven by the privilege of working for myself through the lens of helping people be their best selves. And in learning from Black and brown queer thinkers and leaders.
Maybe it was the sheer terror and exhaustion of pandemic parenting. I stopped doing everything extraneous and a lot of that was tied to gender. This was supported by a partner who knew this before I did in a home that has never been constrained by gender.
It had never occurred to me, but only because I never had language to understand it. Once I had words, I realized I’ve always felt this way.
In my work, I talk a lot about the relative unimportance of words. When communicating under pressure, most of us over-prioritize the words themselves when non-verbal communication is the primary driver of how we’re perceived.
I’ve been humbled in this process by the importance of words and the significance of communicating who we are and how we want to be perceived. My privilege had shielded me from an experience I’m only beginning to understand.
I'm sharing this because I have the privilege to do so and others do not. I cannot share this update without acknowledging that right this very minute, families all our this country are being investigated and may soon be separated and prosecuted for providing lifesaving, gender-affirming care, and support to trans kids.
This is dire. We all must raise our voices against ignorance, bigotry, and hatred—in statehouses, in workplaces, and in the streets. The coordinated attacks on LGBTQIA rights at the state level emboldens bigotry, hatred, and violence, with Black and brown trans people most at risk for attack.
Below are some resources to get involved.
My colleague Amber Briggle is currently being investigated by CPS in Texas. Read Amber’s story here.
Call your Senator and demand that they pass the Equality Act.
Learn more about the horrific bills being passed in Idaho, Texas, Florida, and Alabama.